The negative soundtrack

Today I paid special attention to my feelings. I tried to catch myself whenever I felt something negative and to see whether I have complete, some, or no control over what caused it. I learned that a lot of times the cause of my misery was not even my judgment of something as good or bad, but believing a thought to be unquestionably true just because it appeared in my head. For example, I managed to warp a friendly question about my name into a paranoid internal monologue about how I must look very foreign and stupid for not speaking the official language... I realized how damaging negative self-perception can be, because had I not stopped thinking that way in that very instant, I would have robbed myself of an honest experience of genuine human contact.

It felt so strange, ending such thoughts with the question But is it true?, as if I distrusted my own mind, because I am so used to allowing my perceptions to pretend to be objective descriptions. The answer I came up for this question was that, even though it is possible that some negative thought that emerges is true, it is simply stupid to make such damaging assumptions without knowing for sure. This is especially important when I am thinking about other people's behavior. It is much easier to assume that someone is rude and inherently mean instead of trying to think of ways they must be really tired, or sad, or hurt, or just conditioned to think and act a certain a way. When I re-orientate myself this way towards the imaginary enemy I actually start feeling sorry for them almost as if they are naughty children and I feel almost amused by their behavior. All that thinking ends in a matter of seconds, and I am left with the realization that the only person who ultimately causes and can end all pain is always me.