Charismatic people

We frequently call successful, inspiring, and attractive people charismatic, but we don’t really know what this impalpable quality that makes them so special consists of. The word itself comes from the Greek word charis which means a ‘grace, a gift of god’, meaning a quality that only lucky people are born with. However, Olivia F. Cabane, the author of The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, demystifies charisma by defining it simply as a set of verbal and nonverbal behavior. Because it is usually learned in early childhood, it is mistaken for a personality trait, instead of a set of skills and behaviors that can be developed.

So how did charismatic people happen to come into possession of this quality? Usually, they learned charismatic behavior unconsciously whenever they tried out different ways of interacting with others and observe the results, and then kept refining these behaviors until they have become second nature to them. In fact, it is said that Marilyn Monroe could turn her charisma on and off like with the flip of a switch, and shift from a situation in which she is being barely noticed on the subway to another where she is haunted by photographers and crazed fans by altering her posture (nonverbal behavior) and getting herself in a specific mindset.

As Cabane states in her book, in order to achieve a charismatic state of mind, we need to choose words, mental states, and behaviors that express the three core elements of charisma: presence, power, and warmth. While it is possible to create a charismatic aura by consciously modifying our physical behavior and verbal expression, this is unsustainable because it requires a lot of mental power to keep these elements in control. Instead, a simpler way to achieve a charismatic state of mind is to concentrate on creating an emotional inner climate conducive to charisma. This is done by cultivating the ability to focus wholeheartedly on a person, to generate genuine feelings of goodwill towards them, and to feel confident in your own ability to make an impact on the world (or as I like to reframe it, confidence in the ability to learn from and handle whatever happens next).  

Could you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?

How much willpower do you have and how much do you like me?

Maintaining focus means being an active listener and not interrupting the other person at any cost. Nodding and expressing agreement is appropriate if you wish to encourage your speaker to open up, but on the other hand, maintaining a moment’s pause before your response as well as inserting small pauses in the middle of your talk signals confidence that the floor will stay yours, as well as refraining from excessive nodding and reassurance when you want to project a more powerful stance. An interesting characteristic of focusing on others is that it automatically makes you charismatic without having to say more than a few words. In fact, it is encouraged to give the floor to the other person as much and as frequently as possible, allowing them to speak about everybody’s most favorite topic in the world: themselves and their interests.

One produces warmth when other people feel comfortable and special in their presence. This is done by respecting people’s personal space, keeping your eyes and gaze relaxed, and by mirroring their body language. Friendly body language indicates good intentions, and one can start by mirroring the other person in a conversation and then slowly leading them to another, more open and relaxed, style of nonverbal behavior. People pick up on these subtle cues made by the body and this can significantly influence the atmosphere in which the conversation is taking place. For example, it is a good idea not to sit across the table when negotiating with someone, but rather at a 90 degree angle. Similarly, people use different props to fidget with when they are feeling nervous or uncomfortable, and sometimes one can make people feel more comfortable by providing them with either background distractors such as music or candle light, or with props they can focus their attention on, such as drinks, pens, etc…

Finally, one communicates power by either appearance (expensive clothes indicate high status, similar clothes in-group affiliation), assuming a powerful, wide-legged, firmly grounded stance (body language), and by making frequent pauses during deliberate, slow speech with little or no signals of reassurance. Anytime you are speaking to people, remember that you must provide value for the time they are investing in listening to you. This value can be information, entertainment, or spreading good feelings. Try to use as few words as possible and try to deliver as much value as you can. 

Practical tips:

• Before entering a room, close your eyes for a second and think of a time, place, or person that has produced the feelings you want to generate. It will cause your face to change its expression which can be read by other people.
• When dealing with difficult people, try to think of everyone as trying to do their best and these individuals as experiencing dificulties and life circumstances that prevent them from achieving their full potential. This is a cause for feeling sorry for them, and not resentful.
• Looking good helps, but is not necessary for being charismatic. 
• Power and warmth should be balanced. If a person exibits warmth but lack power, they can be interpreted as overeager and as ingratiating themselves. On the other hand, if a powerful person fails to project warmth, they can easily be seen as arrogant, stand-offish.
• The Ben Franklin effect: when you want someone to like you, ask for their opinion, or a small favor. Show appreciation. Make them feel invested in your success. 
• The best way to give criticism is to introduce it with positive highlights, give it an impersonal form such as: When X happens, I feel Y, and follow up with a positive note by either mentioning positive events in the future or expressing gratitude for the person's effort. 
• Presentations should usually convey one main message accompanied by three to five points, which can be illustrated by analogies, metaphors, fascinating statistics, or personal anecdotes. 

The two mindsets

There is a way that allows us to avoid unneccessary suffering when things don't go the way we planned. If we zoom in into the minutest cell on the surface of the skin and then look up towards the largest galaxies in this universe, we see that we everything in constant movement, forever changing in shape and size. That not only is change a necessary part of life, but that change is in fact life, that once something stops changing it is essentially dead. Can we accept that--as a part of this process-- we are forever changing as well, and how can accepting this fact impact our everyday lives? The key is developing the right mindset.

In her book on human psychology "Mindset", Carol S. Dweck says that people can have two mindsets: the fixed and the growth mindset*. These mindsets are not mutually exclusive and people vary in which areas of their life they are growth-oriented and where they feel like their qualities and abilities are fixed. A pretty good indicator from my experience is that, if you feel negative about some quality or ability of yours or other people, you are most likely rooted in the fixed mindset.

Believing that your qualities and abilities are carved in stone-- the fixed mindset-- creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are the things you can cultivate through your efforts. It focuses on self-development, self-motivation, and responsibility.

Simply believing that what you can do and your qualities cannot be cultivated and developed makes people more prone to depression, anxiety, guilt, validation seeking; it stiffles their creativity and robs them of the capacity to enjoy the present moment. Every move they make is oriented towards reaching an ideal version of themselves which either they were made to believe they must become, or someone they already identify with so all their efforts are spent on proving it.

Your "personality mindset" comes into play in situations that involve your personal qualities--for example, how dependable, cooperative, caring, or socially skilled you are. The fixed mindset makes you concerned with how you'll be judged; the growth mindset makes you concerned with improving.

The most important difference between people with the fixed mindset and growth-oriented people is that the former feel pain whenever they receive any kind of negative evaluation, criticism, judgment, challenge that pushes them out of their comfort zone, and failures. On the other hand, growth-oriented people understand that who they are changes every second and that not only do they have the ability to fight back, they can take control and responsibility for their life and development.

A person's true potential is unknown (and unknowable); it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends of partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? In the world of changing qualities, failure is when you are not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you're not fulfilling your potential.

Instead of judging yourself and other people, you can offer teaching and support.
Instead of beating yourself up for all your mistakes, you can choose to learn from them.
Instead of wallowing in failure, you can turn it into a win. Instead of letting the experience define you, you can take control of it. You can use it to become a better person.

You can look back and say, "I could have been...," polishing your unused endowments like trophies. Or you can look back and say, "I gave my all for the things I valued". Think about what you want to look back and say. Then choose your mindset.

*The excerpts below are taken from "Mindset" but may not be shown in their original form.