There is a way that allows us to avoid unneccessary suffering when things don't go the way we planned. If we zoom in into the minutest cell on the surface of the skin and then look up towards the largest galaxies in this universe, we see that we everything in constant movement, forever changing in shape and size. That not only is change a necessary part of life, but that change is in fact life, that once something stops changing it is essentially dead. Can we accept that--as a part of this process-- we are forever changing as well, and how can accepting this fact impact our everyday lives? The key is developing the right mindset.
In her book on human psychology "Mindset", Carol S. Dweck says that people can have two mindsets: the fixed and the growth mindset*. These mindsets are not mutually exclusive and people vary in which areas of their life they are growth-oriented and where they feel like their qualities and abilities are fixed. A pretty good indicator from my experience is that, if you feel negative about some quality or ability of yours or other people, you are most likely rooted in the fixed mindset.
Simply believing that what you can do and your qualities cannot be cultivated and developed makes people more prone to depression, anxiety, guilt, validation seeking; it stiffles their creativity and robs them of the capacity to enjoy the present moment. Every move they make is oriented towards reaching an ideal version of themselves which either they were made to believe they must become, or someone they already identify with so all their efforts are spent on proving it.
The most important difference between people with the fixed mindset and growth-oriented people is that the former feel pain whenever they receive any kind of negative evaluation, criticism, judgment, challenge that pushes them out of their comfort zone, and failures. On the other hand, growth-oriented people understand that who they are changes every second and that not only do they have the ability to fight back, they can take control and responsibility for their life and development.
Instead of judging yourself and other people, you can offer teaching and support.
Instead of beating yourself up for all your mistakes, you can choose to learn from them.
Instead of wallowing in failure, you can turn it into a win. Instead of letting the experience define you, you can take control of it. You can use it to become a better person.
In her book on human psychology "Mindset", Carol S. Dweck says that people can have two mindsets: the fixed and the growth mindset*. These mindsets are not mutually exclusive and people vary in which areas of their life they are growth-oriented and where they feel like their qualities and abilities are fixed. A pretty good indicator from my experience is that, if you feel negative about some quality or ability of yours or other people, you are most likely rooted in the fixed mindset.
Believing that your qualities and abilities are carved in stone-- the fixed mindset-- creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are the things you can cultivate through your efforts. It focuses on self-development, self-motivation, and responsibility.
Simply believing that what you can do and your qualities cannot be cultivated and developed makes people more prone to depression, anxiety, guilt, validation seeking; it stiffles their creativity and robs them of the capacity to enjoy the present moment. Every move they make is oriented towards reaching an ideal version of themselves which either they were made to believe they must become, or someone they already identify with so all their efforts are spent on proving it.
Your "personality mindset" comes into play in situations that involve your personal qualities--for example, how dependable, cooperative, caring, or socially skilled you are. The fixed mindset makes you concerned with how you'll be judged; the growth mindset makes you concerned with improving.
The most important difference between people with the fixed mindset and growth-oriented people is that the former feel pain whenever they receive any kind of negative evaluation, criticism, judgment, challenge that pushes them out of their comfort zone, and failures. On the other hand, growth-oriented people understand that who they are changes every second and that not only do they have the ability to fight back, they can take control and responsibility for their life and development.
A person's true potential is unknown (and unknowable); it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends of partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? In the world of changing qualities, failure is when you are not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you're not fulfilling your potential.
Instead of judging yourself and other people, you can offer teaching and support.
Instead of beating yourself up for all your mistakes, you can choose to learn from them.
Instead of wallowing in failure, you can turn it into a win. Instead of letting the experience define you, you can take control of it. You can use it to become a better person.
You can look back and say, "I could have been...," polishing your unused endowments like trophies. Or you can look back and say, "I gave my all for the things I valued". Think about what you want to look back and say. Then choose your mindset.*The excerpts below are taken from "Mindset" but may not be shown in their original form.
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