Charismatic people

We frequently call successful, inspiring, and attractive people charismatic, but we don’t really know what this impalpable quality that makes them so special consists of. The word itself comes from the Greek word charis which means a ‘grace, a gift of god’, meaning a quality that only lucky people are born with. However, Olivia F. Cabane, the author of The Charisma Myth, How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism, demystifies charisma by defining it simply as a set of verbal and nonverbal behavior. Because it is usually learned in early childhood, it is mistaken for a personality trait, instead of a set of skills and behaviors that can be developed.

So how did charismatic people happen to come into possession of this quality? Usually, they learned charismatic behavior unconsciously whenever they tried out different ways of interacting with others and observe the results, and then kept refining these behaviors until they have become second nature to them. In fact, it is said that Marilyn Monroe could turn her charisma on and off like with the flip of a switch, and shift from a situation in which she is being barely noticed on the subway to another where she is haunted by photographers and crazed fans by altering her posture (nonverbal behavior) and getting herself in a specific mindset.

As Cabane states in her book, in order to achieve a charismatic state of mind, we need to choose words, mental states, and behaviors that express the three core elements of charisma: presence, power, and warmth. While it is possible to create a charismatic aura by consciously modifying our physical behavior and verbal expression, this is unsustainable because it requires a lot of mental power to keep these elements in control. Instead, a simpler way to achieve a charismatic state of mind is to concentrate on creating an emotional inner climate conducive to charisma. This is done by cultivating the ability to focus wholeheartedly on a person, to generate genuine feelings of goodwill towards them, and to feel confident in your own ability to make an impact on the world (or as I like to reframe it, confidence in the ability to learn from and handle whatever happens next).  

Could you move mountains for me? And would you care to do so?

How much willpower do you have and how much do you like me?

Maintaining focus means being an active listener and not interrupting the other person at any cost. Nodding and expressing agreement is appropriate if you wish to encourage your speaker to open up, but on the other hand, maintaining a moment’s pause before your response as well as inserting small pauses in the middle of your talk signals confidence that the floor will stay yours, as well as refraining from excessive nodding and reassurance when you want to project a more powerful stance. An interesting characteristic of focusing on others is that it automatically makes you charismatic without having to say more than a few words. In fact, it is encouraged to give the floor to the other person as much and as frequently as possible, allowing them to speak about everybody’s most favorite topic in the world: themselves and their interests.

One produces warmth when other people feel comfortable and special in their presence. This is done by respecting people’s personal space, keeping your eyes and gaze relaxed, and by mirroring their body language. Friendly body language indicates good intentions, and one can start by mirroring the other person in a conversation and then slowly leading them to another, more open and relaxed, style of nonverbal behavior. People pick up on these subtle cues made by the body and this can significantly influence the atmosphere in which the conversation is taking place. For example, it is a good idea not to sit across the table when negotiating with someone, but rather at a 90 degree angle. Similarly, people use different props to fidget with when they are feeling nervous or uncomfortable, and sometimes one can make people feel more comfortable by providing them with either background distractors such as music or candle light, or with props they can focus their attention on, such as drinks, pens, etc…

Finally, one communicates power by either appearance (expensive clothes indicate high status, similar clothes in-group affiliation), assuming a powerful, wide-legged, firmly grounded stance (body language), and by making frequent pauses during deliberate, slow speech with little or no signals of reassurance. Anytime you are speaking to people, remember that you must provide value for the time they are investing in listening to you. This value can be information, entertainment, or spreading good feelings. Try to use as few words as possible and try to deliver as much value as you can. 

Practical tips:

• Before entering a room, close your eyes for a second and think of a time, place, or person that has produced the feelings you want to generate. It will cause your face to change its expression which can be read by other people.
• When dealing with difficult people, try to think of everyone as trying to do their best and these individuals as experiencing dificulties and life circumstances that prevent them from achieving their full potential. This is a cause for feeling sorry for them, and not resentful.
• Looking good helps, but is not necessary for being charismatic. 
• Power and warmth should be balanced. If a person exibits warmth but lack power, they can be interpreted as overeager and as ingratiating themselves. On the other hand, if a powerful person fails to project warmth, they can easily be seen as arrogant, stand-offish.
• The Ben Franklin effect: when you want someone to like you, ask for their opinion, or a small favor. Show appreciation. Make them feel invested in your success. 
• The best way to give criticism is to introduce it with positive highlights, give it an impersonal form such as: When X happens, I feel Y, and follow up with a positive note by either mentioning positive events in the future or expressing gratitude for the person's effort. 
• Presentations should usually convey one main message accompanied by three to five points, which can be illustrated by analogies, metaphors, fascinating statistics, or personal anecdotes. 

The two mindsets

There is a way that allows us to avoid unneccessary suffering when things don't go the way we planned. If we zoom in into the minutest cell on the surface of the skin and then look up towards the largest galaxies in this universe, we see that we everything in constant movement, forever changing in shape and size. That not only is change a necessary part of life, but that change is in fact life, that once something stops changing it is essentially dead. Can we accept that--as a part of this process-- we are forever changing as well, and how can accepting this fact impact our everyday lives? The key is developing the right mindset.

In her book on human psychology "Mindset", Carol S. Dweck says that people can have two mindsets: the fixed and the growth mindset*. These mindsets are not mutually exclusive and people vary in which areas of their life they are growth-oriented and where they feel like their qualities and abilities are fixed. A pretty good indicator from my experience is that, if you feel negative about some quality or ability of yours or other people, you are most likely rooted in the fixed mindset.

Believing that your qualities and abilities are carved in stone-- the fixed mindset-- creates an urgency to prove yourself over and over. The growth mindset is based on the belief that your basic qualities are the things you can cultivate through your efforts. It focuses on self-development, self-motivation, and responsibility.

Simply believing that what you can do and your qualities cannot be cultivated and developed makes people more prone to depression, anxiety, guilt, validation seeking; it stiffles their creativity and robs them of the capacity to enjoy the present moment. Every move they make is oriented towards reaching an ideal version of themselves which either they were made to believe they must become, or someone they already identify with so all their efforts are spent on proving it.

Your "personality mindset" comes into play in situations that involve your personal qualities--for example, how dependable, cooperative, caring, or socially skilled you are. The fixed mindset makes you concerned with how you'll be judged; the growth mindset makes you concerned with improving.

The most important difference between people with the fixed mindset and growth-oriented people is that the former feel pain whenever they receive any kind of negative evaluation, criticism, judgment, challenge that pushes them out of their comfort zone, and failures. On the other hand, growth-oriented people understand that who they are changes every second and that not only do they have the ability to fight back, they can take control and responsibility for their life and development.

A person's true potential is unknown (and unknowable); it's impossible to foresee what can be accomplished with years of passion, toil, and training. Why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends of partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? In the world of changing qualities, failure is when you are not growing. Not reaching for the things you value. It means you're not fulfilling your potential.

Instead of judging yourself and other people, you can offer teaching and support.
Instead of beating yourself up for all your mistakes, you can choose to learn from them.
Instead of wallowing in failure, you can turn it into a win. Instead of letting the experience define you, you can take control of it. You can use it to become a better person.

You can look back and say, "I could have been...," polishing your unused endowments like trophies. Or you can look back and say, "I gave my all for the things I valued". Think about what you want to look back and say. Then choose your mindset.

*The excerpts below are taken from "Mindset" but may not be shown in their original form.  

Walking makes you walk better

Set goals for yourself in terms of your own conduct – that define the type of person you want to be. Challenge yourself to do this by making some appropriate changes in your daily routine. 

 - Stoic Week 2014 (handbook pdf)

The thing that stuck with me most from today's reading of Stoic Week 2014 is that you can become whatever it is you want to be by acting it out in some small way in the present - and that is truly the funniest and I would say most effective way to achieve your goals.

So, what do I want to be and how can I achieve it?

1. Relaxed - deal with daily perturbances by remembering that what has already happened must be accepted and that which is in the future cannot be fully controlled.
2. Playful - I am very competitive and instead of trying to suppress this trait, I will channel it towards myself and and make achieving goals mini-games. I will do this by thinking of the smallest, non-obliging step I can take towards my goal and then do it, always wondering How can I make it fun? In this way, I will never feel overwhelmed by the size of some future challenge. The first steps might be ridiculously small, but anything is better then being stuck in situ.
3. Balanced - there are many things that steal my energy and I would like to avoid them. These are coffee, gossip, chit-chat, group work (turns out grad school is all about group work, unfortunately), darkness, and sitting down for too long. As much as I feel that I don't have enough time or that I need to do more work, it is absolutely necessary to invest time in activities that replenish my energy and make me feel more connected. These are reading books, taking walks, doing yoga, listening to music, and learning something for fun
4. Consistent - this simply means sticking to something by doing it even when I don't feel like it. Success is sometimes a matter of discipline rather than motivation. Motivation comes and goes, waxes and wanes, depending on mood and energy level, but discipline is much more stable and can be used at any time when one finds it necessary. For example, I am really happy that I am going through Stoic Week by contributing almost every day.
5. Accepting - being accepting of things that go wrong, plans that fail, people that annoy, imperfections that mock effort, and some of my own feelings that come up and I know don't have a rational basis for them.
6. Peaceful - I am always so loud and fast, perhaps it is time to learn how to be slow and more measured. As the Swedes like to say, lagom, lagom...

It will be interesting to see whether I manage to apply these to some of my personal goals :)

How can I make it fun?

Planting the seed of forgiveness

A man's character is nothing but a collection of his habits. You become what you want to be by doing it. If you want to become a writer, you write. If you want to become an athlete, you train. It's funny when you think about it, but you can be whatever you want to be right now, this very instant. If you want to become fluent in a foreign language, you speak it, you write it, you live it. It is much easier to replace bad habits with good ones rather than just to suppress the bad habit.

When I feel anxious about wanting to get to the future, I will feel pleasure in that very moment in the present.

When I feel the compulsive urge to erase an imperfection, I will remember that there is nothing shameful about them because they are a part of how I got to be here where I am, and even if they are, I must remember that it is not my past actions that define me, because I did the best I could with the knowledge I had, but what I am doing right now. And I am doing good.

If I could plant a kiss on every piece of surface that I have raised my hand against, my skin would be covered with a thousand kisses that wisper I'm sorry... I'm sorry... So hear my promise that I will be kind to it from now on, since the body is a temple and not a graveyard. It is a meadow of possibility instead of a machine of determinism. I am not slowly pacing towards death but I am forever rejoicing in life, because I am a wonderful and incredibly beautiful pattern of dancing energy.

Everything is okay and always will be.

Thinking them young, silly, and unwise

At my worst moments, my mind can be described as junkyard filled with giant heaps of waste that nobody will ever have any use of - everything from abandoned gym equipment to embarrassing stashes of porn collections, worn out clothes and roles, toothbrushes dirty with gossip and pettiness and all the content of every possible 'DELETE' folder I have ever made on my desktop. Because I know I'm no special snowflake, it terrifies me to think of what might be lurking in other people's minds. So I simply don't do that.

I let everyone, myself included, have all the junk floating around their minds as much as they want and never judge myself for its content. The only thing I do when a really nasty thought pops up is to pay attention to it, give a mental nod to it and allow it to exist, and then, starting from that point of accepting it there, I try to oppose it and I guess I developed special ways that work for me when dealing with different kinds of thoughts depending on the underlying emotion behind them. For example, when I think about something (or someone) that causes the rise of:

1. Pride - I think of all the ways in which I may be inferior to that person, and I can usually find plenty things to work with. I remind myself that I could have easily found myself in the same life circumstances as the person I am looking down upon, and that I doubt I would be much better.

2. Envy - if I start feeling envious of someone, I try to think of them as my brother/sister, and for some reason that turns the envy into happiness for the other person, because I know I want everything best for my brother. If that doesn't work, I try to ponder ways in which this person might be suffering and that we should all just live our own lives instead of bothering others. And if that doesn't work (wow, I just realized I might be very envious), I plainly ask myself whether this emotion is doing any good except for bringing me misery and destroying that very moment.

3. Lust - I find opposite sex friendships to be tricky because I am always afraid that my friendliness will be misinterpreted as flirting, so I developed a great yardstick against which I can measure my own as well as other people's behavior to see if it is in any way inappropriate. I picture the other person as my brother, and then if from that perspective the way we communicate is totally natural and normal, there is nothing to worry about. On the other hand, if I find that my projected sibling is acting a bit creepy, that's a red flag that the person is getting the wrong idea.

4. Anger - the quickest way to deal with it for me is to transform the wrongdoer into a 5-year-old version of that person and then they seem either ridiculous and endearing (if what they did was a minor problem) or unfortunate and somewhat tragic if what they did was really wrong. In the latter case, I start feeling sorry for them and want to protect them, instead of feeling angry at them. But the problem with anger is that it leaves a kind of echo after the first surge of it has subsided, so I tend to look back and think "How could you have done this to me? How could you? To me! How could you...", but I admit I still haven't figured out a proper way to deal with these residual waves of resentment.

The negative soundtrack

Today I paid special attention to my feelings. I tried to catch myself whenever I felt something negative and to see whether I have complete, some, or no control over what caused it. I learned that a lot of times the cause of my misery was not even my judgment of something as good or bad, but believing a thought to be unquestionably true just because it appeared in my head. For example, I managed to warp a friendly question about my name into a paranoid internal monologue about how I must look very foreign and stupid for not speaking the official language... I realized how damaging negative self-perception can be, because had I not stopped thinking that way in that very instant, I would have robbed myself of an honest experience of genuine human contact.

It felt so strange, ending such thoughts with the question But is it true?, as if I distrusted my own mind, because I am so used to allowing my perceptions to pretend to be objective descriptions. The answer I came up for this question was that, even though it is possible that some negative thought that emerges is true, it is simply stupid to make such damaging assumptions without knowing for sure. This is especially important when I am thinking about other people's behavior. It is much easier to assume that someone is rude and inherently mean instead of trying to think of ways they must be really tired, or sad, or hurt, or just conditioned to think and act a certain a way. When I re-orientate myself this way towards the imaginary enemy I actually start feeling sorry for them almost as if they are naughty children and I feel almost amused by their behavior. All that thinking ends in a matter of seconds, and I am left with the realization that the only person who ultimately causes and can end all pain is always me.

Changing perspectives

November is the worst month in terms of Swedish weather, I was told. Night seems to swallow a good part of the day so you wake up in the darkness while your alarm clock is trying to convince you that the day is well on its way. The morning haze hints at the possibility of full daylight it never develops beyond a teaser trailer, because it gets dark again really quickly. If you leave home early in the morning and come back in the later half of the afternoon, it may seem  like the night has never ended. Swedes even turned the experience in a song.

It is very easy to spiral down in an existential crisis under the cloudy skies of Sweden, but let's remind ourselves why darkness, cold weather, and wet feet are in fact, good. They are good because without them, the sun wouldn't shine as sweet when the first signs of spring emerge and birds start to sing again. It is good because it makes maintaining focus on studying incredibly easy for those like me who feel tempted to run outside and frolic in some flowery meadows at the first sight of sunshine. Also, there is something about returning to a warm home after a hard day that winter time makes even more special. And most importantly, let's not forget Christmas and all the magic that fills the air this time of year.